Miscarriage... One of life's cruelest jokes.
I am heartsick, depressed and alone. Before I go on sounding completley dramatic, I'd like to put out there why I've come to be at this place. My baby, my 8th baby, is lost. I have miscarried again. Actually, to legitimize my story, I should say I experienced my 4th D&C. Overall, surgery is a much better time of it than miscarrying at home. It's strange though; I go to sleep pregnant and wake up only half an hour later and I'm not pregnant anymore. Miscarriage in general is one of life's cruelest jokes.
I'd like to take every day as it comes, but it's difficult to tackle when each day is so difficult and there seems to be no end in sight. No end to daily responsibilities, relationships (both intimate and superficial) & self-doubt. I see each day as a treacherous mountain of which I have to climb, instead of an openness of possibilites and a world in which my son will learn and blossom. He is THE only reason I drag myself out of bed and even then it's an internal fight to "be the great mom." It's ironic actually because no such person actually exists and even if she did, I am decidedly far from my potential as a "good" mom let alone a "great" mom. The "perfect" mom is a template of which every mom subscribes to be, but so few, if any succeed.
It is so difficult. How can I be normal, feel normal or act normal in a life full of pregnant friends and relatives and blissfully happy couples bringing home their second and third children. I had always hoped to hear the noise of children and fret over the controlled chaos of a home filled with many voices. Instead I am deafened by the sadness. I am reminded constantly of what I don't have and my inability to achieve it. I have no place to go to get away from it. And even if I did, I have realized during a recent trip, that the turmoil, sadness, and the profound circumstances that have marked my character, are within me. I cannot get away and that fact scares me.
I'd like to take every day as it comes, but it's difficult to tackle when each day is so difficult and there seems to be no end in sight. No end to daily responsibilities, relationships (both intimate and superficial) & self-doubt. I see each day as a treacherous mountain of which I have to climb, instead of an openness of possibilites and a world in which my son will learn and blossom. He is THE only reason I drag myself out of bed and even then it's an internal fight to "be the great mom." It's ironic actually because no such person actually exists and even if she did, I am decidedly far from my potential as a "good" mom let alone a "great" mom. The "perfect" mom is a template of which every mom subscribes to be, but so few, if any succeed.
It is so difficult. How can I be normal, feel normal or act normal in a life full of pregnant friends and relatives and blissfully happy couples bringing home their second and third children. I had always hoped to hear the noise of children and fret over the controlled chaos of a home filled with many voices. Instead I am deafened by the sadness. I am reminded constantly of what I don't have and my inability to achieve it. I have no place to go to get away from it. And even if I did, I have realized during a recent trip, that the turmoil, sadness, and the profound circumstances that have marked my character, are within me. I cannot get away and that fact scares me.
posted by Ro M. @ 5:21 PM
5 comments
